Written and submitted by Charmed.
‘ONS’ – an abbreviation that is widely understood as ONE NIGHT STAND and yes, no protest to think that it could mean otherwise. Just a quick search on the Internet, there are tonnes of articles revolving this topic and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. What about me? I am not a believer for I see it as very a vulnerable act between two individuals, both physically and emotionally.
I just came home from a holiday that evening – all charged up and ready to unveil my new chapter of life in a foreign country in a couple of months’ time. On my way back from the airport, I was making plan to meet a friend for dinner and then drinks with someone I just met on a dating app. It has actually been a while since I last met someone from a dating app in person – I actually just prefer chatting through screens and moving on with life when we run out of topics. Yes, just to satiate my loneliness.
Just when I wrapped up the dinner and whipped out my phone to cancel the drinks plan, my ex (whom I dated for 6 years and have separated for 2 years at the time I ran into him) walked in to the café with a date and refused to acknowledge my existence despite us celebrating his birthday just a month ago with our common friends. My heart fell into my stomach – I couldn’t fathom the fact that just because we have broken up, we can’t be civilized and just acknowledge each other with just a friendly nod. We were not just a couple, we were such close friends before we dated. (But, I do understand now – I can’t expect everyone to care just because I do.)
Instead of cancelling the drinks plan, I went ahead to meet that stranger. I wanted to tape off that negative emotion. I wanted my presence and existence to be acknowledged. I wanted to feel like I mean something to someone. We went to one of the bars in Bangsar and started chatting. He wasn’t my cup of tea but I consciously tried to find something I can be attracted to him and I did – which was his passion for his profession which I admired simply because I don’t remember the last time I was so ever proud of my job. The conversation flowed a bit better after a few drinks and that was also when all hell broke loose.
We went to a hotel somewhere – I followed him blindly into a room. I was intoxicated and didn’t even have the capability to protect myself. I briefly remembered us having a short debate of no sex unless he puts on a condom but after a while, I just gave in. I just didn’t have the strength to protect myself anymore. At that very moment, if I can be entirely honest, I had zero self-respect. At that very moment, I felt nothing but like a piece of meat. At that very moment, all I could only hear myself saying ‘at least someone wants you’. I JUST CHEATED ON MYSELF. I JUST RELENTED ON MY PRINCIPLE. I JUST FORGET TO RESPECT MYSELF.
After the incident, I was agonizing over my stupidity and my lack of self-respect. It didn’t help that the dude started ghosting me. I called in sick to work for a couple of days. I was worried about being pregnant but for some weird reason, STD just never crossed my mind. I spoke to a few friends about what happened and they offered very very kind words – stop beating yourself, let the bygones be bygones. It took me some time to gather that courage to forgive myself but it all came back to haunt me with my recent breakup. When my recent ex found out about the incident, he wanted me to do a STD test to give him a peace of mind as we have been getting intimate without protection.
This was also the magical moment whilst dealing with the break up, I was presented with the news I am HSV1 and HSV2 positive. My world just came crashing down! The feeling of guilt and stupidity with no shame invited themselves back in – it was overwhelming and an incredibly tough pill to swallow.
Never in my life, have I been that lucky – I have never won any lucky draws, lotteries or anything of that sort but I got STD on the one and only time of a ONE NIGHT STAND (what the fuck). It should not be called ONE NIGHT STAND – it should be ONE NEFARIOUS SCAR.
Should I continue living in the haunted past? Should I continue replaying my fucked up moments like a damn show reel? No, it was a slip and I am slowly coming to terms with myself. It has taught me an undeniably valuable lesson – to always remember no matter what happens in life, learn to forgive yourself and own that damn mistake, never compromise your principles, and always always know your worth so much more, because confidence stems from the knowledge that you bring value to the table, and no matter what happens you are going to be ALRIGHT!
So what if my ex doesn’t acknowledge my presence? Fuck it, I am in better company of people who care for me and I am not worth any less just because YOU…didn’t validate me.