2018 was shit. I’ll just put it out there.
As much as I’d like to end this post with just that, I feel like my hatred towards 2018 needed to be squeezed and wrung dry because there is no way — NO WAY — it was going to get away so easily.
Okay, no, I did that just for dramatic effect … but in all seriousness, 2018 wasn’t really a good year for me. And it seems that it has been the same for everybody else; most of whom I’ve talked to have said that 2018 has been an endless stream of ‘meh’ and ‘ugh’.
Don’t get me wrong … nothing terrible has happened. Nothing too huge uprooted my life and threw me into an abyss of despair.
But I was, for the most part of 2018, depressed. Several things amassed into this huge blockade that made feeling things in a positive way nearly impossible. My career seemed to be taking off, but that also meant more work and more crazy shit from management and I wasn’t too happy about that. I made new friends at work, who at times, made better companions than my real off-work friends. But most of them left. And I was back to feeling alone at work again. Work was a typical ‘make it to 6pm’ kind of hurdle race. It didn’t seem like I enjoyed what I was doing anymore.
I felt like I was writing for the sake of finishing a job, so that people would just leave me alone. But that wasn’t ideal because I was mostly fueled by rage and the very fact that I was just plain exhausted and burnt out.
Yes, the 2018 burnout was real.
Work aside, I was feeling tired with my relationships, too. The only true good thing that came out of this year for me was that I took a risk in that I let my heart (for once) decide on something. And that something was wonderful to me so far. That something wonderful takes care of me on days when I couldn’t even get out of bed — cooks for me, cleans for me and loves my dog as much as (?) they love me. Could just one person make a difference in one’s life? I think so. That’s what 2018 showed me at least. If this person hadn’t been there for me this year, I reckon it would have been a darker, messier place.
That being said, 2018 was still a blurry, anxiety-ridden period.
I had difficulty focusing on things this year. Conversations, projects, the enjoyment of the good bits of life. Things that made life worth living. It felt like I was all about ticking days off the calendar instead of seizing the day.
2018 made me feel like I was better off alone.
Friends come and go, yes. But there also friends that live to drain the life out of you – no matter how hard you try to be better. This year I managed to single out the people who have been toxic to me. Ones who refused to fix themselves despite the effort I made to help them. Another friend told me, “Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting things to be different”. I think he’s right. And what of me? Why am I helping them over and over, knowing that things would never change? It is time I let go of things I cannot control. And that means friends who refuse to do something about their situations. Friends who always make excuses. Friends who need you more than you need them. Friends who ONLY need you when something happens. Toxicity was something I was proud of never having had in my life, until this year. I was drowning in it. It’s time to let go, and let the world (and those ‘friends’) run/ruin themselves.
In 2018, I fell of the ‘healthy habits’ routine.
Pre-2018, I’ve been diligent with eating only when I needed to, and only ate as much as my body needed. I felt great, I felt like I was in shape and I was in control. All that went to shit this year. I ate when I was stressed, ate when I was bored and ate whenever I felt uneasy. I also stopped exercising — from 3x a week to less than 3 month. Once a week if I was feeling particularly energetic. Again, I had no idea why this year was so exhausting. Because of that, I ate things I wasn’t supposed to. I indulged, often. And then I felt bad. And I drowned that feeling of negativity with more unhealthy habits. It was just so messed up and I didn’t know how to get out of it.
Now, I don’t believe in the ‘New Year, New Me’ bullshit.
But I really am glad 2018 is over. I believe in ‘Tabula Rasa’ though — clean slate. Starting afresh, starting anew. Getting rid of all the negativity I have been associating my life, relationships and everything else for 2019. Perhaps, once that’s done and out of the way, I can focus on becoming a better person with a clearer mind. A person who ‘tired’ wouldn’t be the first thing they would say when someone asks how they are. Instead, I hope to be the person who’d say “I’m great”, and really, TOTALLY feel great. Someone who means what they say. Someone working towards becoming better and stronger. Someone who had forgotten how harrowing 2018 had been.