Written and submitted by Men Of Car.
Chapter 1: Rewrite the stars
“Is that it?” – I have asked myself a dozen times. I started feeling nervous and anxious of what my future holds. I started having doubts of walking down the aisle with my boyfriend for more than half a decade.
I have just completed my last postgraduate paper on that said evening and I was out celebrating, not with my boyfriend but a friend whom I have known back in my teen years. I told my friend, “I think I still have a lot to do, a lot to check off my bucket list. One of it being, living and working in a different country, if really, I tied the knot; can I still do what I always want to do?” Despite my friend trying to assure me, with the advent of technology and how couples are on LDR even after getting married, there will definitely be a solution that fits my situation; I was still feeling incredible restless with these wild thoughts in my head.
The period leading up to the breakup was incredibly torturous and horrendous. We never really spoke about the situation or rather my feelings simply because he brushed me off each time I attempted to have a conversation with him. Gradually, I seek comfort from someone else, someone who had listened to everything I needed to say and silly much, I thought I developed feelings for this Good Samaritan and it drove me further from my relationship. Guilt was creeping into me for I thought I have emotionally cheated.
On a fateful day, I finally demanded to speak to him. I needed him to tell me how we are dealing with this, especially now I have an opportunity for job relocation. His precise words to me, “This is your life. You have to decide for yourself”. I knew very much, this was my deal breaker; at that point of time, I felt completely baffled. The man whom I was supposed to spend the rest of my life together avoided talking to me like a plague and has no interest to work things out together. Soon enough, we called off the relationship on my 26th birthday.
No, it was not any easier from the time leading up to the breakup. I was absolutely perplexed, for a big part of my everyday life had been forcefully removed. I did not know what to do with my weekends anymore. I do not have someone to call share every little story anymore. I felt it was just me going against the universe. The pain was unbearable and I certainly wished I could turn back the clock and continue the story the way I have always imagined it to be.
We finally had our first argument post breakup. Yes, we never had any arguments throughout the relationship because we both somehow avoid arguments and the realization shed some lights to why I got brushed off when I attempted to speak of my feelings. Nonetheless, we had multiple conversations of what needed to be changed or rather improved if we are ever getting back together. Holding on to those conversations or rather the flimsy hope, I still make myself available for him until he told me, “Look, from the very beginning I never had the intention of reconciling with you. I had the answer all along but I just didn’t say it.” That line sent me to bucket of tears and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed with myself. Why did I allow this to happen, why did I let him stringing me along, why didn’t I see this coming, why did I let him tamper with my self-value, my dignity; It was probably the time I have asked the most ‘Whys’.
In all honesty, it never crossed my mind that this one decision can paralyze me so much. I supposed I got sucked into the society’s definition of “successful” life, which encompasses a stable job, getting married and have a family at a certain age even if it means to sacrifice your ambitions, hopes and dreams. To think of it, my reluctance or perhaps fear to settle before checking off the items on my bucket list had put the relationship to test, and it had failed. Perhaps, it is a blessing in disguise this was discovered sooner than later where the consequences could be even bigger.