Job Search: Prepare For Some Serious F@ckery

Written and submitted by Firestorm.


 

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Job hunting in the current Malaysian Job Market is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE.  The economy sucks. Nobody is hiring specialists. Nobody is hiring generalists. You now need a MASTERS DEGREE for an entry level position, in virtually any damned industry. Don’t get me started on the “fresh graduates encouraged to apply provided they have five years’ experience.” However, that’s not what I’m pissed off about. What I’m pissed off about is the job-hunting process from application to interview and beyond. Here’s why:

“Company Confidential?” Company No Confidence!

Picture2 company confidential

This is an IMMEDIATE FUCKING RED FLAG. IF the company is not going to actually tell you who they are, what they do, and that they are PROUD of what they do, then WHY the FUCK do I want to work for you? It’s possible I’ve heard horror stories about a company and don’t want to work there. I might have slept with half of the people that work in said “confidential” company. Every time I have applied online for a job where it says “Company Confidential” the descriptions sounds great, but generic at the same time. They say shit like:

  • “We have (number) of outlets Nation-wide!”
  • “Our multicultural staff hails from (number) different countries!”
  • “We are amongst the national leaders in (insert field/industry/profession) and growing rapidly.
  • “Our values/ morals/culture make us unique in (insert field/industry/profession).”

 

If any of this was true, why the FUCK are they not SCREAMING their name and brand and that they are hiring? You want to attract the best? Tell me who you are as a company/employer. If you can’t tell me that honestly, WHY the fuck should I even LOOK at the requirements or Job Description. It’s some small time, wannabe operation that likes to think they are the next “Billy-bad-ass” who’s going to rock the world with their unique product/service and make millions. Every single time. For all I know, your “business” is actually a porn shop in a back-alley somewhere….

Here’s a free hint: If you cannot be bothered to state the name of that company, and TAKE PRIDE in that name as the HR manager supposed to PROMOTE and RECRUIT. Why THE FUCK do I want to work for YOUR company?

Job Description versus Reality

The Job Description. Does anyone actually know what the FUCK the role of the Job Description is? Partially correct answers include to outline duties and responsibilities, outline required qualification, and outline required experience levels. Why are these partially correct answers? Because the job description is supposed to PROMOTE the job. The job description is Human Resources PRIMARY MARKETING TOOL!  Unfortunately, this tool has been abused to the point of absurdity. Here’s why: – The Job Description is badly written. It is either too vague and general or too damn specific. The former, makes perfect sense. The later? Well…YEAH. I give you two examples of just the requirements – company names and sources REDACTED to prevent me from getting sued:

picture 3 social media specialist

Option A above. Just read it. What qualification do they want you to have? They list half a university’s worth of qualifications via the skills they expect you to have. “Social media specialist” SPECIALIST?! Fuck that, they want a generalist who can do project management, website design, graphic design and copywriting/editing. Basically: You will be doing the work of 2-3 people, for 4/5 of one full salary. Read the list of skills you are required to have.

Notice how the whole description is deliberately vague and generic. This is the new trick companies are using to avoid putting, “Any other duties and responsibilities as assigned” bullshit in the Job Description.

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Option B on the top here, well, the specifications here are insanely specific…. For a management position. You’re hiring a manager of some sort, not a Tier-1-Non-Governmental-Private-Military-Black-Operations-Strike-Force-Commander of an Anti-Terrorist-Unit. The moment specifications like this are seen, it’s an instant turn off to candidates because we look at that ridiculous list and go “Nope-Nope-Nope!” Because we don’t have all those requirements etc.…. so why bother applying for the job? Congratulations company. You are not going to get any applicants for this position.

If I have to read an essay to figure out what the job is, then you’ve done it wrong. It’s too detailed, and will definitely cross multiple job roles/lines/disciplines and industries. Just because, there’s a 1-in-a-MILLION chance I have all the right skills, does not mean I am GOOD at ALL OF THAT!

Here’s the flip side: Nobody seems to know how to craft a fucking Job Description anymore. Everyone just copy pastes from somebody else’s’ Job Description… which was a copy pasta from something/someone else somewhere. Small wonder candidates go for interview as a “Graphic Designer” and then find themselves being asked about “Social Media Management,” “Videography/photography,” and “Animation.”

Free Hint: Spend some time, find out what exactly what skillset is needed, then figure out what position that should fall under. The CREATE the fucking job description. I’m sick of seeing “Sales & Marketing Manager” needed, then reading the job description to find that they actually need a Social Media Manager with Graphic Design skills as a plus. Suddenly the job at the local Crack House is looking more attractive than the Porn Shop. The “hazard pay” in the job description is very attractive.

Apply for the Job on the Portal, on the Website, then upload the resume?

I get that companies introduced online applications so that it’s easier to filter through candidates. But, serious question time: – WHY do I fill in your stupid, 50-page long application form online, THEN UPLOAD a copy of my CURRICULUM VITAE? Seriously? What the fuck? I just wasted an hour of my life filling in your damned online form to upload a .pdf document? Makes me wonder if there is actually a human who READS the online form I spent 60 minutes filling in. The human probably downloads and reads the CV instead of wading through a 50-page long application form online.

It gets even better: Fill out the online shit, and if by some miracle they answer you, and you get an interview, what do you do when you arrive for the interview? Fill in the SAME 50 FUCKING PAGES AGAIN. What the FUCK?! Seriously, the amount of time I spend filling in pointless paperwork, would have been better spent at the local Titty Bar.

Free Hint: UNFUCK this mess of an application system so that candidates can apply efficiently. If the hiring system is a train wreck, do you really thing that inspires confidence in anyone about working there?

Lack of Automated Confirmations/reply emails

What pisses me off is when I DO NOT get a confirmation after sending my application – which included wading through the 50-page application form. I generally wait a week. If I don’t get that automatic reply, then I know not to waste my time waiting for anything from the company in question. This is the idiot company that will respond in about six weeks with a rejection letter and very rarely, offer for an interview, AFTER you have ACCEPTED A POSITION SOMEWHERE ELSE – like the local Gang Bang Venue as a “Security Consultant.”

Of course, you get to the interview to find a hardcopy of that 50-page online application form, and start reconsidering, whether or not rolling naked through broken glass is less painful than that fucking form.

The other type of asshole company are the ones that you go for an interview, they tell you “we’ll get back to you by (insert randomly generated time period here)” and then never, ever get back to. Is it really that fucking hard to send an email? Incidentally, the local Gang Bang Venue hired me as a Security Consultant five night a week (Thursday – Monday), and they managed to EMAIL within a week with a copy of the employment contract.

If the candidate has jumped through your hoops, completed your stupid 50-page application form, one phone interview, one “coffee meeting,” THREE fucking interviews, a CIA/FBI/Interpol-esque background check, tell the candidate why they didn’t get hired. They deserve to know why they did not get hired. Give them a reason so they can work on it and improve. Above all else, this makes YOUR COMPANY look good, because you gave feedback…unless of course you’re “company confidential.”

Free Hint: Not having this automated setup is understandable but if you are a company with any self-respect, please, keep a template on file, change the name and date and SEND THAT REPLY. IF you cannot reply in a timely fashion by email with feedback. A 10 second phone call is acceptable too. Hell, in a pinch an SMS or WhatsApp although “less professional” would be appreciated over unprofessional as fuck silence!

Closing Interview Feedback Note

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At the end of my two-month job search, I’ve got one interview (The Titty Bar), a single offer with great hazard pay (the Crack House), a short-term contract for 3 months (Apparently, it’s Gang Bang Season and they need extra security) and I’ve not heard back from the last one (Porn Shop). The job market sucks. At the end of the day, it is currently an employers’ market, but these are a few reasons why employers are not finding quality candidates applying. Now excuse me, I’ve got to send applications to more “entertainment venues.”


 

Liked this? Read this next: My Message To All The Hiring Managers Out There

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Cover photo courtesy of Pexels.

 

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This blog began with a dream to bring people closer together – to write about their thoughts, opinions and experiences ranging from ghost stories to relationships and to life lessons! If you have a story to share, write to us at askanythinglah@gmail.com.