There are days when I think about ‘us’. The past and the ‘what could’ve, would’ve, should’ve been’. Today is one of those days.
I don’t love you anymore, I don’t. Then why is it that listening to ‘our song’ tugs at my heartstrings?
You were my first love. In a time and space where I was the unnoticed, you noticed me. I loved like I never knew I could love. And at seventeen, I told myself that this was it. My forever and always. We did everything; the cringiest the corniest. But I loved it all.
Relationship rings, love letters, the boyfriend t-shirt soaked in perfume just so I could sleep at night ‘holding you’, always asking me to marry you with those dopey hard-to-say-no to eyes, you even wrote us a song on our first monthsary and sang it to me over the phone. Loving you was the closest thing to magic.
You were my first love. You were my first lover. We were both blank canvases, but boy did we make art. There are times when I still feel the heat in my cheeks reminiscing over our first time. If I could choose to do it all again with anybody else, I wouldn’t. I’d choose you, and the burger and fries that came after.
“We were both blank canvases, but boy did we make art.”
You were my first love. You were my first heartbreak. We were young, and at a point of cross-roads in our lives. The day it ended, I felt my heart physically ache. I ached for months. I ached throughout the ‘this-isn’t-a-rebound’ relationship. Time heals. And it did. At some point of my life I just stopped aching. I never hated you for breaking my heart, I just always wondered why. Wondered if we could ever be ‘us’ again in the future.
6 years later we sit across each other. We’re different people now, aren’t we? And yet everything feels the same. You look at me the same way you used to, and I wonder if that’s how I’m looking at you too. Over a pint of cold beer, in the little town where we first fell in love, we make up for lost time. You tell me you regret it, I tell you it’s too late and we finally find ‘closure’. Our chapter is closed. Maybe in another life, we’d get a second chance at our first love.
You were my first love. Were.
But I’ve learnt that there are no two loves that are the same. Though I’ve moved on from all that we used to be, you will always have a place in my heart. And that’s not wrong, is it? A friend once told me that if you’ve truly loved someone, you can’t just un-love them. It’s been 9 years and I still can’t seem to un-love you. You were my first love, you were my home away from home, you made me believe that I am worthy of true love or that it even existed. For that, I will always be grateful.
“A friend once told me that if you’ve truly loved someone, you can’t just un-love them.”
My first love, don’t look for me in another. Trust me, I’ve tried. The day I stopped was the day I found love again. I’ve found the one who’s decided and whom I’ve decided to be my last love. The love of my life, and I love him truly and fiercely. He loves me for all that I am; my past, present and future. And I know, you’re happy for the happiness I’ve found.
My first love, though we’ve gone our separate ways, it’s hard to forget someone who’s given me so much to remember. I wish you everything good the world has to offer. I wish for you to love someone, who will love you. Truly and fiercely. You are worthy of a great love, greater than ours.
But keep me in a little box in your heart, as I do you in mine. For you will always and forever be, my first true love.
Your first love.
This post was submitted anonymously.
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