I know what you’re thinking. I’m going to write an honest, open letter about how you are loved. About how I think you should appreciate the life you have, and the people who love you, and how you’re worth so much more than the pain and the depression that you’re experiencing right now.
Yeah, this isn’t going to be one of those. Because if it were up to me I would go full on ‘tough love’ and get angry at how you would even put your own life at risk, at how you would even consider harming the body that carries you so well each day, the body that tries so hard to keep up with you and the decisions that you make each day. It fights for you to live, and instead all you do is think of ways of sabotaging it.
I don’t want to tell you to hold on. You know you should. I feel like you’re way too easy on yourself, but way too hard on yourself as well – if that makes sense. I know it seems that your problems are never-ending, but remember, nothing lasts. This too shall pass. Maybe not now, but soon.
So, no. I’m not going to write a heartfelt letter about how I love you, and how I wish you would get better soon.
Instead, this is going to be one of those letters about what I wish you could, and would be.
I wish you would stop thinking that you’re alone. I wish you would remember that nobody is against you, at all. That may be the case with regards to your office, other relatives or acquaintances, but if you could count the amount of people that truly care about you on one hand, that’s more than enough. There are people rooting for you, always. And I am one of them. And I feel offended that you don’t remember me at times like these.
I wish you would stop waiting for a sign. I wish you would stop expecting something good to finally happen. I wish you would just go find it instead of waiting for it. Again, I understand that you may feel like everything is a lost cause, but how will you ever know if you don’t actually go out and experience it for yourself?
I wish you would treat your body better. I wish you would take the time to enjoy not good, but great food. The type of food that you’ve not touched in years for fear that you may gain half a kilogram, or a half inch of waist. I wish you would remind yourself that nobody else’s perspective matters but yourself. Having said that, I wish you would stop demeaning yourself, and thinking that you’re not thin enough, not slim enough – not tortured enough. I wish you would know that there are far better things than looking great in life. I wish you would know that the priority is how you feel, and not how you look.
I wish you’d go out more often. I wish you’d have more fun – or at least attempt to. I understand that we can get addicted to a certain type of sadness and at some point, enjoy being depressed. But I wish you’d step out of your comfort zone and be open to where the night would take you.
I wish you’d come around more often. I know you need the space but sometimes allowing yourself to unload on another person would feel heaps better than lying around at home waiting for sleep to take you. I wish you’d know that I’m trying my best to help you feel better, and that each time I suggest something I hope that you’d surprise me and say yes.
I wish you would actively do something about your life as is. I wish you’d stop feeling sorry for yourself. I wish you would help yourself. I can only help you from a distance, because in the end, the only way forward is when you decide to do something to change your current situation. I understand that sometimes, whining is the only way to alleviate the stress. But whining and doing something are two completely different things. Otherwise, you’d be stuck in the same vicious cycle.
I wish you could see your own potential, the way I see it on you. I wish you’d know that you can be something better. Something better than the way you are right now, because you seriously can. I wish you realise that not one day, but soon. Maybe now.
I wish you’d know that I’m writing this out of anger because I love you, and that I pray for nothing but the best for you. Sometimes, I even wish that you’d hit the deepest, hardest rock bottom because only then will one realise that one needs to take drastic measures to take control of own’s life.
I wish you’d realise that this is not me bashing you, lecturing you or even smiting you. I wish you to know that this comes from a place of love.
Above all else, I wish for you to be better. Happier. Stronger. I wish you could be the person I know you could be. The best version of yourself I know is in there somewhere.
I wish for you to read this, and understand or even find a reason to continue on, or strive to find the drive to do something.
I wish that you know, that whatever it is that you think of doing to yourself, it’s only a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I wish that you’d know to never give up. Ever.
I wish you peace, and light and reprieve.
I wish you the best with all my love, and all of my compassion.
Do you need help?
Call the Befrienders’ Suicide Hotline
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