*warning, rojak English ahead …
If you don’t like …
You don’t read.
Ever heard of that term?
I’m sure you have …
The Malays, Chinese, Punjabis dan lain lain use it all the time in their daily conversations. Oops! Let’s not forget the Indians, too, the original gatekeeper for the word ‘Macha’.
So what is Macha anyway?
Macha or Machan is originally used for ‘brother-in-law’ in the Tamil language.
But these days, our Malaysian boys and girls use the word Macha to address their friends in a loving, respectful and friendly way, to refer to them as a brother. For example, if someone is saying “Dei Macha, Vaada Inge”, it means means “Hi, macha/machi. Please come here” or the famous, “ Dei Macha, you want to tapao or makan here?”. The beauty of it is that it’s not only limited to Tamilians anymore.
Now, how about ‘Machi’? It’s actually the same meaning as above but most of us use Machi for our female friends.
But generally, we Malaysians just loveeee to judge and profile people, don’t we?
Oh, come on, stop lying to yourselves, you judgemental people …
On many occasions, or even when hanging out with my beloved friends, by just wearing some sort of clothing or even by doing a certain something, then come out lah the branding statement:
“This one confirm one real Macha lah, sure from Klang one!”
Why? Only Klang got Indians is it? Brickfields, Bangsar, Kelana Jaya all no Indians is it? Dei! Even Kg. Baru got Indians la dei!
Even some of my Chinese friends who are from Klang will misuse their place: “Walaaooo, you don’t play play with us ah, we from Klang you know! One call all my Indian kakis will turun one Liao!” (I think Klang has been branded the “Machas Area”.)
So, how do we profile a ‘Macha’, or how do people think a Macha looks or behaves anyway?
Most Malaysians brand their ‘Macha’ like this …
Macha Profiling No. 1
Sling bags! This is a must for the Machas. Oh, I know this was the first thing that came to your hard heads. Ever gone to a mamak, and see some of the Indian Annehs with their big stomach supporting their sling bags? Like some DVD seller? Yup, that’s the sling bag I’m talking about. Tuuu diaaaaa …
They should really create a bag brand called ‘Macha’.
Macha Profiling No. 2
“Dandanaka dandanaka or tai tom tai tom aaahhh… ”
No, it’s not some foreign language but it’s the loud, blasting music coming from their sound systems. Promoting and sharing their taste for Tamil songs not only within the car, but outside, oozing over into the neighbourhoods.
I know you can hear it in your mind now …
Macha profiling No. 3
Usually white cars with furry dashboards is another trademark for our Machas. Having the blue or the super bright fluorescent light in the car is a bonus point.
I’ll bet that you can spot at least 5 on the road today.
Macha profiling No. 4
Thick bright gold chains or bracelets are usually common among our Indian Machas. Two extreme contradicting colours, if you know what I mean.
Macha profiling No. 5
Hand phones attached together with power bank is a must side by side. It’s like they are married forever and never seen separated. But surprisingly, no handphone exploding cases up till now for Machas. Macha macho OK!
Macha profiling No. 6
The young thambis or the young Machas usually commute by bikes. Their top 3 famous choice of motorbike brands are the Honda Ex5, YAMAHA LC135 and YAMAHA 125z. If you ever hear the “Preng preng preng” short annoying sound then you know it’s a Macha.
If it’s the “Preeeeeennnggggggggggg……!!!!!!” Long annoying one, then it’s definitely not us, probably some Rempit fellows.
Because we are masyarakat yang prihatin .
Macha profiling No. 7
If you have ever seen a hot Indian Akka or Tangachi a.k.a Machi with a pottu on their forehead walking in a mall alone, do not be deceived. I repeat, DO NOT. They usually and generally come in groups or with their Machas. One wrong approach or move will end you up bed ridden in some hospital. They probably had to pee, that’s why they are alone.
Do not be deceived. Her macha behind her will strangle you with his stethoscope if you as much as glance at her.
Macha profiling No. 8
Ever befriended a Macha on Facebook before?
Seen their gempak names or not? I have a few friends with cekap Facebook profile names. Eg, “Joel Joko Mass”, “Acid Raja”, “Blade Prabhakaran”, “Bearded Villain”, “Singgaram Abang Vellu” and the list goes on. Such talented people, aren’t they?! Their mothers must be so proud of their new names. They don’t only rename themselves but enhance it with special characters like “Añńāchī Böŷzz Kàinggéh”. Such tongue twisting names!
Macha profiling No. 9.
You think your English is cool? Or even your Bahasa? Pffttt… we have a better version of it and we own it! Try going with your Indian Machas to some Mamak shop and watch him order his dishes: “Anneh Teh Tarik onnu (1) and Roti Banjir”.
In response, the Mamak guy would have asked him back what kind of curry would you like? “Minnu curry anneh, Pish curry pish”. We can even infuse the BM and English in one straight sentence. Below are such examples:
Pish – fish
Wowda – wow
Saarrr – Sir
Lau/Laus – Love
Wokay – Okay
Sooosss – Juice
Rombo Danks – Thank you very much
Sareke – Girls
Thanni – Drink/Alcohol
Senju – Cheater or not fulfilling a task given
Bang – Brotherly Love
Semme – Impressive
Mai Gawwwdddd – Oh My God!
Oh Mai Kadevele – Oh My God
Buta.com – To get embarrassed
Sappi – Stupid fool
Pocha? – Something went wrong or gone
Thanks dei – Very friendly way of thanking
Bulu Movie – Porn
Semme Machi – To praise your friend/cekap
Tepi padang – A place to drink alcohol with group of friends when running on budget
Sappe matter – very simple (when it refers to an activity)
Cari Makan – Daily life/survival
Ponna pokai – financially broke
OK Jalan – Good to go
Kencing – Betrayal
Thahts – thoughts
And the list goes on……..
Macha profiling No. 10
Whenever there is a fight outbreak, who are the first ones to be there? Jeng jeng jeng … our Machas!
No, we don’t fight, we try to resolve fights in a friendly manner first. If things go haywire, then we try to calm down the situation, that’s all. People always have bad thoughts about us.
Kita masyarakat yang berharmoni .
That being said, now you know why our “lain-lain” friends like to call us whenever problems arise. Even on the road, ladies don’t dare to look at us if our cars are stationed side by side, as if our stare will kill them .
So my fellow friends, now you know how to spot a Macha. If you don’t have a Macha, get yourself one! You won’t be disappointed … satisfaction guaranteed!
Start your day with a “Dei”!
P/S: Written by a Macha for education and entertainment purposes only. No soul was hurt or defamed during this process.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Charles Surendh David is a bearded man, and is too awesome to be written about in just a short paragraph. Bug him on Instagram.