Battle of the Bosses

Is your boss the bane of your existence or an absolute sweetheart who has your back whenever you need them? If you think stereotypical bad bosses exist only as movie clichés, you’re probably the luckiest duck in the pond.

Here we have the list of the most common bosses from hell that exist for the sole purpose of torturing us. The only reason they’re here is probably because even Hades couldn’t handle their sh*t.

The Dragon Emperor/Empress

Favourite phrase/s: Tell me why you are doing this. I need to know ALL the details. You can’t go without my permission. You don’t need that much time to do (random necessary activity), come back in (unreasonable time limit)

Loves: Intruding on people’s private space, opening your mail if possible, controlling who you hang out with, lurking around your workspace, controlling your life in general

Don’t even think about taking an extra 5 mins for lunch, choke and die if you must but be back within the measly hour. This micromanager boss is the devil of all bosses and is not to be trifled with for fear that she will take away all possible semblances of normal working life – and quite possibly limit pee breaks to 3 mins per person.

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Not even close.

The Rug

Favourite phrase: We must do as he/she likes. Let’s not cause any trouble. He/she’s a special case and the big boss likes them so we shouldn’t question. Let’s be grateful for (insignificant crumb of something we’re actually entitled to).

Loves: Laying low in the face of scarier opponent (bigger boss), hanging out employees to dry if so ordered, sacrificing employees’ comfort for own sake/to keep the peace, pretending to be the most hardworking person

Often the pretend ‘workaholic’ that doesn’t actually contribute anything except uncalled for advice on how to do your job, this boss will lay low when it comes to crunch time and sacrifice hapless employees’ health and sanity to the big boss. Don’t even hope to get any back-up from this one if you’re put on the grill for something you didn’t do.

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On the contrary, we do like this rug very much. Such a nice shade of blue.

The Butter-up

Favourite phrase: He/she (bigger boss) lurvvvess this done. We should really try to do this because he/she likes it! He/she will be so impressed! No, no, no, you can’t do it that way he/she doesn’t like it.

Loves: Living, breathing, walking in the shadow of bigger boss (often a tyrant)

This is the boss who knows just exactly which side their toast is buttered and will risk dying of heart attacks and high cholesterol for the sake of being the big boss’ pet/favourite. Roll over and play dead? They’re on it!

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Umm, yum?

The Two Headed Snake

Favourite phrase: Oh dear, I wish you could do that but it’s ok really, it doesn’t matter, sweetie. *bitches about you to others 5 mins later*

Loves: Gossiping and lying about colleagues, playing the victim

Two headed, forked tongued entity that lives on misery, this boss is a sly fox given to bouts of passive aggressive replies while outwardly smiling. If the only thing toxic you want in your life is Britney’s sexy song, stay far away from this beast.

 

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Deadly.

The Dead Fish

Favourite phrase: *with a plastic smile* Maybe I’ll join you guys some other time. (never actually does)

Loves: Not forming connections with employees or colleagues, being mysteriously haughty

Perhaps a misunderstood, introverted or anti-social boss, this creature needs to nonetheless be dealt with by someone who’s confident enough in themselves. Do not attempt to thaw the ice unless you’re rock solid steady in your heart-warming abilities or you may end up cutting yourself on their icy nature and becoming hurt by the cold reception to your buddy-love. Often not truly a problem unless you like a sunshiny, family environment in the office. Who are we kidding, of course we do.

DeadFishArt

Hey, wanna have lunch together?

The Look No Hands!

Favourite phrase: I think it’s best if you try to figure it out on your own. *flees immediately upon completion of sentence*

Loves: Leaving employees floundering to look for their own solutions, being given no responsibilities whatsoever in matters,

Adopting a hands-off approach to the point of being non-existent, this boss only appears on two occasions: pay day and to take credit for something (quite possibly not their own work). More often than not they will point out mistakes but do nothing to correct or remedy it.

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Pictured: Actual footage of boss running away

 

The Ancestor

Favourite phrase: That’s how we’ve always done it. In my day, (insert long monologue about obscure tradition/system)

Loves: Tradition, minimal to no changes in anything

A stick in cement would have more luck of moving than this boss has of changing anything in the office. Don’t like that brand of coffee they have stocked? Too bad, you’d have to wait for their death before you can pry it out of their cold dead hands to change to a better brand. Hate the company system? Tough luck, you’re likelier to drop dead than it is for them to make changes. Take a bow and exit this place A.S.A.P.

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“Let me have my breakfast before our meeting today,” 1148-year old boss.

The Loudspeaker

Favourite phrase:

Loves: Yelling.

The queen or king of theatrics, perhaps stemming from an unfulfilled dream of being a banshee, they love to yell. It doesn’t matter what the content of their speech is, invest in earplugs and turn off your hearing aids. We assure you, you’ll probably still hear them from the toilet. Much like a donkey who adores its own voice, this boss will exercise their lung capacity regularly while providing you with enough auditory damage so that you’ll have a reason to use that insurance card.

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“Bla bla bla!!!!! BLAAAHHHHH!!! BLA BLA BLA BLAAA!!!”

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